Hullo ’ere wee Nick…

saltre1.jpg“Hullo ’ere wee Nick. How’s it goan?  Noo here’s a hing, right.  Ken, yoor surname is awmost th’exact same as the name eh yon wee buzzin fly ’at huvvers aroon shite?  Het’s a tenacious wee bugger, of nae use tae anyb’dy.  Jist hings aboot an’ wants tae dive-boamb ye aw the time, clingin tae yer claes and gie’in ye a wee nip noo an agen, jist tae remind ye het’s still there.  In fact het’s universally regarded as a bloody pest.  Het’s cried a Cleg.  Funny that, hin’t it?”

Whit aboot aw they celebrities…

Whit aboot aw they celebrities ‘lendin thur support’ tae baith sides o’ the campaign? Awrite, Sean Connery, wee Ken Stott, Brian Coax an ’at, but ah dinnae hink they can really trump Judi Dench, Sting an Ben Fogle fae th’ither side, dae you? An onyways…ur there ony English wans ’at support yon AYE side? Dae nain o’ them want rid eh us? David Bowie, Eddie Izzard…they aw want us tae stick thegither fer some reason. Proabably cuz the’ve aw goat hoaliday hooses up here, an they cannae be boathert wi’ aw the fuss o’ huvin tae show thur passports tae get tae them, eh?

Ice buckets an aw that…

Right, ken how ah’ve goat ma pinkie oan the pulse, aye? Well the latest hing, right, is yon Ice Bucket Challenge. Whit happ’ns is yer pals noaminate ye tae dae it oan thur Facebook. They dae it thursel’s an get it videoed, like, with thur pals or thur maw chuckin a massive pail o’ water an ice cubes o’er thur heid, while they’re stonnin in ana’ar pail eh iced water. Then efter that, they pour that wan o’er thur ain heid! An see if ye stonn close enough tae yer ain hoose, ye can even gie yer windaes a wee wash an aw while yer at it. Seems het’s aw fur charity. Yer pals see ye dae’n it an send money tae aw they charities wi initials fur names. See if het wiz me but? Ah’d donate tae some hairt attack charity, cuz that’s whit some eh them must huv, due tae a sudden thorough dousin o’ icy water.
Noo whit ayways happ’ns wi yon oanline hings is, het turns intae a pure fad. Naeb’dy, no even the famous folk, wants tae be seen no dae’n het. So thur’s Matt Damon, Beyonce, yon Dalai Lama, an (in th’interests eh fairness) the Pope, alang wi ma daughter’s pal’s auntie Annette fae up the road aw dae’n it. An right there oan the Jackie Burd news, wha dae ah spy dae’n it an aw? Oanly Alex Salmond and wee Nicola Sturgeon wan efter th’ ither oan wan o’ thur back greens! Magick, so het wiz. The baith o’ them goat pure soak’t and jumped aboot squealin like weans, an even hud a wee cuddle efter tae get a wee bit heat. Course the bold yin noaminates David Cameron – the big cheese his sel’ – but aw naw! He’s refusin tae dae it, sayin he’s jist gonnae donate some eh ’is kids’ inheritance tae a guid cause. Such a squair, by the way.

Ah tweets yon Nicola Sturgeon…

Ah tweets yon Nicola Sturgeon and ah says: “Aw right Nicola? Noo whit’s it like huvin the name eh a fish? Did ye suffer pure pelters as a wean, aye?” An she’s like ’at: “Aye very good, ah huvnae heard that wan afore! As it happens ah pure did but I gie’d it right back when ah telt thum aw aboot hoo the rarest, maist expensive caviar comes fae the Sturgeon, eh? That soon shut them aw up. An by the way, see when we win the independence? We’ll aw be pure mintet an huvin bloody baths in caviar, aw right doll?”
Ah wiz like ’at…

Noo whit’s aw this aboot wur currency…

saltre1.jpgNoo whit’s aw this aboot wur currency, eh? Het’s oan the Jackie Burd news awra time – Scoatish pun, English pun, wur ain fancy new coinage, whitever. Ah’ve awriddy goat a problem wi’ the pun: oor Scoatish pun noates urnae acceptit onywhere. Even here in wur ain country nain o’ the tills huv a wee sloat in there fur wur ain pun noates ony mair. An’ the wee lassie in Coastcutters starts huvin panic attacks ev’ry time ah try an’ pay fur ma Fruit Clubs wi’ a pun noate, cuz she disnae ken whit tae dae wi’ it. Het’s a right faff, so it is. So noo ah’ve taken tae stuffin ’em aw under ma mattress, so ah huv, an wan day ah’ll go an see yon wee Paul Martin aff the telly – affae Floag It! – an see whit he’ll gie me fur them aw. Oh aye, then ah’ll be toap banana, so ah will, an me an Jackie Burd’ll go oot on the skelp. Nae bother.

So noo yon David Cameron…

So noo yon David Cameron is following me oan the Twitter cuz ’e hinks ah’m voting NAW, an ’e retweets ma poast aboot Alex Salmond’s shitey shoes. Hinks it’s bloody hilarious, so ’e diz. An ’e says “Wance yon pointless independence referendum is o’er and the NAWs huv it, ah’m comin up there tae yoor street, missis, and getting doon oan ma hons an knees tae personally scrub the grun, an get rid o’ aw that shite ye’ve hud tae pit up wi’.” Noo ah’m no exactly Usain Boalt when it comes tae wurdplay, so ah’m no sure if that’s a doobly entendree or no, but ah’ll tell ye this David Cameron: “Yer sae full eh it yersel’ ye’ll no get within a mile o’ ma street, son. We’ll aw smell ye comin an chase ye aff wi poopy scoopies!”

Dear Alistair Darling…

Dear Alistair Darling, noo whit’s aw this aboot scaremongerin? We cannae huv that noo, y’knoaw. According tae yon BBC news website ah wiz readin earlier, durin yon telly debate ye oanly went an pointet an shoutet at poor wee Alex Salmond. An whit else asides? Ye asked him a question he couldnae answer! Noo, Darlin’ whit were ye hinkin? Ye ken yon rules eh debatin: decorum at aw times an stick tae whit yon Furst Minister kens the answers tae. An in return, in terms o’ impartiality an fairness, wee Alex’ll stoap quoatin fae glamorous Hoallywood icons while e’s oan ’is soap boax. “Macho men ain’t mucho.” Aye very good – Zsa Zsa Gabor indeed. She must o’ met the baith eh yeez. Noo, diz Ms Gabor even huv a vote?

Alex Salmond an aw ‘is croanies…

Alex Salmond an aw ’is croanies came roon campaignin th’ither day.  Oh…ah wiz riddy fur ’im.  “Knoack, knoack,” goes the door.  Ah’m like ’at: “Whit is it noo, Alex? Independence this, independence that… whit aboot aw the dug shite doon this street?  They ne’erdaewells fae yon bought hooses roon the way let thur dugs aff tae dae thur bizniss aw o’er ma gairden.  Ne’er mind yer independence, ah’ll gie them independence, so ah will!”  The bold yin says: “Eh…ye’ve raised a very good point there, madam.  Can I come in an huv a wee blether an a cup o’ tea?”  Ah wiz like ’at: “Eh…no sir, ye cannae – no wi’ aw that shite stuck tae the boatom o’ yer fancy Hoose eh Fraser lither broagues.  Noo beat it!”

Yon European Athletics…

By the way, ah wiz watchin yon European Athletics fae Zoorich oan the telly – pure dead bruw-yint, so et is. Aw the toap wans ur there daein’ the comment’ry: Denise Lewis wi ’er fancy new hair-dae, Colin Jackson, wee Johnny Edwards (God luv ’im), lovely Gaby Roslin. Or noo… is it Logan? Och disnae matter, much eh a muchness. They’re aw sat in the wee BBC boax there freezing tae death. Pure baltic there, so it is, no like the Games we hud in Glesga jist there. Aw naw, we pure hud the weather so we did, het wiz braw! Onyway, these yins huv goat a coo mascot – het’s dead funny but. He couldae been a contender. Huv ye seen ’im poal vault an dae the hurdlin? Cooly the coo they cry ’im. Makes me laugh oot loud, so ’e diz.
Speakin o’ hurdlin, ah tweets wee Eilidh Child efter she won the goald. Ah says: “Yer some kid, Eilidh Child.” Magick.

So ah tweets Alex Salmond…

So ah tweets Alex Salmond an ah says: “Ah wish yon YES Campaign hudnae stoap’d sendin me thur free newspaper.  Het was braw fur linin the boatom of ma burd cage.”
He tweets me back: “Well, if ye dinnae vote fur independence in September ye ken whit’s goannae happen: yon Westminster government ur goannae ban everyone frae keepin pet burds in cages anyhoo.  And then whit will aw the loanely middle-aged workin class single wummin dae?  Vote YES in September.  An independent Scoatland will be in a position tae consider reducin the VAT oan domestic burds.”

He’s an awfie blether.  He hud tae send me aw that in three tweets.  Choob.